My thoughts, a bit negative/critical:
Too much emphasis on the MOAI Cloud, and not enough real details about the MOAI SDK, how it works, and how it delivers cross-platform, high-performance application development. There are not enough details about the SDK - its features, its benefits, how it can be used to deliver cross-platform apps, physics, layer management, resources, and so on - and too many details up front about the Cloud, which in many ways isn't really relevant to a newcomer until long after a developer gets through the SDK and uses it to build something. Okay, the Cloud can be used independently of the SDK - then why not do two White Papers instead of one?
Actually, I was a bit disappointed in how little detail is given about the SDK engine and the way it works. Barely any mention of physics? A page (or actually, two paragraphs) of details about the SDK, and everything else is about the Cloud. Hmm.. Something seems out of order here.
In that sense, it is sort of a puff piece, not really technically interesting - I wouldn't call it a White Paper, but more of a Sales Brochure for the MOAI Cloud services and in that sense it does pretty well.
But new MOAI users want to know, first and foremost, about how the SDK is going to work for them to build their applications - MOAI Cloud is definitely not in the scope for that stage of things (i.e. "I don't care about the Cloud features until I've actually got an app worth Cloud'ify'ing").
So my tip would be to describe the SDK first, perhaps separately, describe its power and capabilities, describe the technical basis for the design of its architecture, and then follow through with details about the Cloud as the next step.
Maybe the Cloud is how Zipline is going to profit from the MOAI eco-system, but its not interesting to developers to put emphasis on Cloud features until they get past the technical aspects of the MOAI host SDK and how to use it, and .. more importantly .. *why* to use it.
"Why to Use It" isn't really described in this sales brochure.
I don't want to come off too harsh - its really good that you're doing this - but I think you want this kind of feedback, so ..